i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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