her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
my liver is dry heaving
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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