I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
