guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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