The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
