i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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