i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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