weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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