I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
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