You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
