The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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