I wish my penis had an off switch
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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