so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize