I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
