mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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