i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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