i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
