WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
