So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
