The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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