Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
BRING THE BAGELS
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
