Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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