i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
