You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
