I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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