Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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