I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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