My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Alive.
So much puke
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
