god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
