Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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