i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
