Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize