so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
