i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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