oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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