He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
