My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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