I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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