when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
