Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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