I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
