Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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