The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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