I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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