i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
