Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
