I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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