Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
