I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
