If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
