I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
