life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yo dont text me then not text me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
