My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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