Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
