god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The Olympian is in my bed
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
