Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
