my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
