I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
