I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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