Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
