I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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