for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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